You are not alone…

Suddenly, I jostle awake. My eyes scream open, my heart rate soars. I look over at the clock, praying it’s very close to the 5:00 am wake up.

It’s not.

2:11 am.

Here we go. Again

My thoughts scurry loudly throughout my head. My mind will not shut off.

I go to the sink quietly, not wanting to wake my sleeping husband. He already lacks the gift of good sleep, so I do not want to be a contributing party to his lack.

Splashing luke warm water on my face, I try to settle down.

Tiptoeing back to the bed, I whisper to Alexa, my new BFF, to play scripture lullabies.

The music starts, my heart rate steadies, my mind begins to slow down.

So many people on my heart. So many hurting, suffering, grieving…

Lord, how much more can we take?

I find myself whispering that over and over with clinched fists.

I take deep breaths…inhaling for the count of 4, holding the breath for 4, then exhaling for 4.

Square breathing. I know it well.

The scripture lullabies are balm to my soul.

The mind must have something to think about, I was told by a middle aged therapist in my mid twenties. So, if you replace those racing thoughts with different thoughts, you can win the battle for your anxious mind.

Yes, yes, yes, I know this.

That therapist had no idea that God’s Word had said it first.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9

My mind replays the conversation with a dear friend. Her words seared on my heart. I want to take her pain away. Or at least, I want to shoulder it with her.

Then, the college boy. My own flesh and blood with a face identical to mine. I replay that conversation in my head. The stress, the pressure…all of it. I see his face in my mind and I want to soothe his suddenly masculine jawline with my aging hands. I wanna wipe away the stress and the worry of college and his future…and just all of it.

My daughter then comes to mind. Teenage stuff, insecurity woes, and mounting anxiety about her school work, and her friendships and all the things that 16 year old girls worry about.

Then, my husband. The man who never sleeps. I have no idea how he functions. But, I worry about his heart and his health and goodness gracious what if something were to happen to him?

The worry, the fear, the anxiety starts to creep back in as I lie wide eyed in bed under white sheets.

Squeezing eyes shut, I go back to those lullabies being softly sung in the background of the dark room.

My heart rate slows down again, I listen and I let those words fill my mind and my thoughts.

Come to me, I hear those words again. Over and over I hear them.

I remember back in 2019 when my son was a senior in high school. I was in the fiercest battle of my entire life with anxiety. I begged God to either take me or heal me. He did neither at the time.

Instead, He beckoned me to “Come”. I remember dreaming, or maybe I was awake that spring of 2019, and I saw myself drowning in an ocean of raging waves. My head was drifting under the water.

I was too tired to fight anymore.

My eyes looked up and I saw Jesus reaching His hands out to me. “Come to Me…” is all He said.

Friend, I know I am not alone.

I am not the only one struggling through the day, knot in stomach and appetite waning…

If you are in this pit of anxiety…

Read Jesus’ Words to you over and over and over until they stick to the marrow of your bones.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

These are the words that fell from my lips as my son was leaving to go back to college last night. I followed him out the door with the Words of Jesus.

I haven’t written to you in a while in this space. Not because I haven’t had much to say…but I didn’t feel like I had anything of good cheer or encouragement to say. I felt pretty empty.

But today, as I wrote feverishly in my prayer journal, I felt the gentle nudge of Jesus telling me to write. To write about where my heart was and talk about the struggling and the worry and the sleepless nights…

Because, when we realize we aren’t alone in this battle…we suddenly feel a little better. A little safer. A little closer to each other.

As we draw close to Him together….He strengthens us.

His power is made perfect in our weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

in this together,

jill

*re-post from October 2021