The Letter…
The high school kid is taking over the college kids bedroom as we speak.
She has been wanting his room since we bought this house years ago. His room is in the basement and has much more privacy than her bedroom, which so happens to be right across the hall from our room.
I mean, I knew I would finally have to give in and let her take over that room of his. More than likely, he will not be living with us full time again, Lord willing anyway.
Already, the room looks completely different. It is cozier and warmer and just the female touch it needed to spruce it up. She has put her little girly things in that room and now it is hard to tell it was ever the home of a teenage boy.
As she was moving some of the college kids things upstairs to her old room, I came across a box she brought upstairs.
Sitting on top of the box was a letter written to my son, the college kid, from me in August 2018. I had no recollection of the letter, I just recognized my loopy handwriting.
I began to read the letter, needing to sit down as I was a few lines in, I caught my breath and pulled the letter to my heart.
Tears were stinging my eyes. My throat closed with that awful lump that forms when you are on the verge of full on crying.
I had written it to him on his 17th birthday.
My daughter, the youngest, is now 17.
Three pages later, I could not believe the treasure that God had just laid in my hands.
In that letter, I had poured my heart out to my son and told him the plans God had for him. All of the words, memories, moments, of his high school years came flooding back.
Crazy, how I had forgotten much of those years already.
High school was difficult for him. Not the academic part, but the rest.
He tried very hard to walk the narrow road, and that road often found him alone.
I remember in those years wishing I could speed up time. I wanted him to go off to college and see how big the world really was. I begged God to just make the time go fast so that these hard years would be over and done with.
When your kids are struggling, we struggle as well. Don’t we?
When they are not okay, we are not okay.
My mind flashed back to some very dark days of those high school years. I thought many days that I could not breathe. I felt the spiritual battle swirling around him and as a mom, it was very hard to trust that God loved Joseph more than I did.
I would DAILY ask God to help me to let go and to trust that those hard years would produce much fruit.
Four years later, I see the fruit of those years. Isn’t it funny how we forget the prayers we prayed, the desperate pleas for God to hear us and to work and act on behalf of our children.
The letter brought all of it back.
Now, here I was, four years later with another 17 year old.
She faces the same pressures, the same struggles, the same issues…
And here I am, the same Mom, just begging God to speed up time. To get her through high school and on with her life.
In those few moments, I realized, it will be okay.
No matter the struggles she faces, no matter the pressures, the insecurities, the heartaches…
It will be okay.
And so will I.
The Lord revealed something to my heart recently.
A revelation of sorts.
When my kids are not doing well, I am not doing well.
I suffer with them. Maybe even ten times more.
When I prayed and begged and pleaded for God to give them JOY despite their circumstances, I was missing something big.
I did not have joy. I did not have hope. I was so desperate for them to feel better, that I was suffering a slow death of despair.
I had been asking God to give them peace and joy and hope, meanwhile I had no peace or joy or hope.
It was like a mirror was being pressed right up to my face to reveal what had been happening in my own life.
Often, I am so wrapped up in theirs, I cannot see straight.
The very things I was praying for them, was the very thing I needed as well.
As I held that letter in my hands, the letter from four years ago, I realized that this too shall and will pass.
These hard days with teenagers, and social media, and pressures, and relationships, and just all of the things that high school brings….
It will soon be a distant memory. A memory that will be so obscure, it will take a letter sitting in my hands years later to remind me of these hard days.
For the first time in a while, I felt like I could take a deep breath.
This too will pass.
A faint whisper to my heart, “Soak it in. Be in the moment. The good, the bad, the hard. Be present and don’t wish it away.”
My friend Kelli Brooks has told me before that she always looks for the fruit in the hard seasons. Sometimes that fruit is bitter, but it nourishes and grows us none the less.
I have gone back to her words over and over. Look for the fruit. Taste, eat, and let God’s manna bring nourishment. Even when the fruit it bitter.
My oldest is now 20, soon to be 21 in August.
He would not be the person he is today without that bitter fruit. That fruit produced growth, and faith, and boldness, and a foundation that is strong due to those hard, long, difficult days.
Today, I hold out my hands to Jesus and tell Him I trust Him with these times. I tell Him to help me to lean into these high school days and not wish them away. Help me to see the GOOD, see the MIRACLES, see the FRUIT He offers daily.
I also hold out my hands and squeeze my eyes shut and whisper faintly, I trust Your plan for my kids. Your plan is better than mine. It always will be.
As much as I would love for my kids to have perfect lives, with no trouble or suffering or hardship…
More than that, I want them to have deep rooted faith. Unwavering faith and belief. A love for Jesus so strong that no person, place, or thing can take their eyes off of Jesus.
The prayers I have been praying over them, I now whisper to God to help me to believe them for me as well. Help me to not get lost in the hard parts, but to walk the walk that I am pleading for them.
Walking by faith and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Seeking first The Kingdom of God. Matthew 6:33
Trusting the Lord with all our hearts. Proverbs 3:5
it will be okay,
jill
