Here we go again...

 Hi!

It's me. 

I am still here! 

Kids are back in school, and life is kind of, sort of, weirdly, going back to normal-ish. 

Today, I took my son and my nephew to lunch. Their first day of college for their sophomore year is TOMORROW. 

As I looked at their suddenly not teenager, manly features, I gulped back a huge lump in my throat. 

They are so grown.

My heart has a hard time catching up with reality at times. 

I always feel like I am ready to let go again...

Then, the pain of missing seeing my boy and his face every morning sneaks right up on me. 

Years ago, I began to pray for this season. I watched my sister go through it with her first born, so I KNEW it would be difficult. 

God is FAITHFUL. 

He has answered all of those prayers, yet, my flesh is still very weak at times. 

I miss waking him up in the morning. 

I miss our long, very long, walks and talks around our small town. 

I miss his smile that always makes my heart skip a beat or two. 

I miss him being here. 

It is strange getting those 3 plates out for supper again. 

Change is hard. Always. 

Looking out my window, I see a big and beautiful butterfly flittering around. 

What a perfect reminder of change. 

I don't want my kids to stay cocooned forever....

I want to see them fly. 

But, I miss that cocoon often. 

I think on those sweet days of him lugging his book bag, way too big for his 5 year old shoulders. 

Our lunches outside at his school. Back in the old days when you could actually visit your children at school. 

Pushing the back of his seat on that new bcycle, holding him steady as he peddled.

His first soccer game at 4 years old...bribing him with skittles to go onto the field. 

Good grief. Here come the tears again. 

If you are a momma, it is okay to cry. It is okay to not be okay at times. 

Motherhood stretches our hearts in ways that can be very, very painful. 

It is worth every pain. 

Nothing in this world has ever brought me face DOWN on my hardwood floor before Jesus like motherhood has. 

Nothing in this world has made me more raging MAD like a momma bear when her cubs are messed with, like motherhood has. 

Nothing in this world has HUMBLED me to the lowest depths like motherhood has. 

Nothing in this world has made me more PROUD than motherhood has. 

Nothing in this world has revealed more of my FLAWS than motherhood has. 

If you are a mother, hang in there, sweet one. 

The ride is bumpy and changing and oh so very unpredictable. 

God sees you. God sees me. God sees us. 

He is right beside us, holding our often trembling and empty hands. 

If we could only see just how near He is....

Here is a good reminder...read it out loud. Again and again...

Psalm 139

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

2 

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

4 

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

5 

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

6 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

7 

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

8 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 

even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

11 

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

12 

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

13 

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

15 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

17 

How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 

Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you.

never alone, 

jill